“You got me feeling emotions” so said the great philosopher Mariah Carey. If I could, I would add the line “and i dont like it”. Over the last 3 or so years since having a mental break from the end of my longest and most serious relationship, I’ve realised that my emotions dont always give me the best advice when navigating this existence. Its not like I’m flying a plane and have 100’s of dials and instruments telling me information relevant to the current task at hand. Its like I am given a drug to tell me that the rear wing is malfunctioning, but the drug makes me calm and peaceful so i struggle to realise the rear wing is on fire. This morning whilst getting my mind right for the day i had a small break down. Its because I’m hungry, its because I’m sober but its also because i have ridiculously impractical and problematic emotions running through me.
I have a way of trying to understand my attraction to people, you have the head, the heart and the groin. Now this isn’t new and I’m sure others have similar systems or understandings of the way our meat suits work. This is how I’ve worked it out for me. In order to be in romantic life long love with someone, you need to be attracted to them with you head, your heart and your groin. Stimulated intellectually, warmed in the heart and the urge to get inside (or have inside) their meer existence. So your family will most likely only tick the heart box. A one night stand only your groin. And anyone could possibly tick off the head box. So when i meet new people or people I’ve known for years, and i start to feel emotions, i take a deep breathe and focus on where theyre coming from. Do i want to fuck this person? Do i want to ask them personal questions about how they navigate life? Or do i just care about their happiness? Its a good system and i think over the years ill further perfect it.
After acknowledging that my head and heart fell in love recently (I remember at one point acknowledging how i felt nothing in the groin.) i looked forward to being able to be enjoy the immense glow of love without complicating it with sexual animalistic feelings. I genuinely looked forward to being a friend. I had a moment of meditation where i felt and saw in my minds eye, a large yellow and orange glowing orb of light and energy radiating from my chest. I then tried to imagine this energy transferring to my sleeping friend in another room. Imagine my disappointment when i mentioned only the light part and my friend didnt then say she felt the energy transfer. Lols. I dont actually believe in that kind of thing necessarily but it did improve my state and solidified my feelings and emotions. Now the problem is that I’m 3 years into celibacy and as quite a physical person, i love a good cuddle, the fact that my friend may potentially be a good sexual fit for me did enter my mind. But the ratio of my head, heart and groin’s feelings was not altered.
Now. The warring factions in my hypocritical body are the cause of a lot of my stress. At one time as my heart is sharing love and my mind is understanding concepts i wouldnt have thought likely, and then at another time my body is trying to manipulate everything to think that i want to be in another long term relationship. I dont. Or being jealous that others would receive the affections that i dont want. In fact i find interacting with people to be one of the worse things we have to endure. And romantic interactions even worse. I dont want to mess anyone up like i have in the past and I definitely dont want anyone to mess me up again. We dont mean to, but is there any romantic relationship that hasn’t ended negatively?
I remember as a late teen wishing i could cut my dick off because of the negative impact it seemed to have on my mental health. And at 37 i still feel the same. But more so, its the sperm. Not the testosterone or any other “male” hormones, its the baby gravy. Its that urge to reproduce, the animal urge to continue the species. And i dont want it. I am male, i dont have any feelings of confusion with my gender. Just my urge to reproduce. Being in love or letting those lustful urges manipulate your outlook on life or guide your actions never seems to end well. Ive spent years now learning to almost ignore those hormones, so having my strength in that regard tested… its been pretty shit.
Anyway, this has been a good way to get my thoughts out. A sex drive sucks when you dont want it.
G