Hacked

My instagram was being logged into via many different devices and i had no idea… reconfirming my distrust for social media. It has so many positives and yet so many negatives.

So im thinking of using my website more and blogging like its 2003.

But of course i will need to cross post to all socials

Im not good to live with

Ive known for a while that I’m not good with people. Hence why i keep gravitating to being alone. I really dont get it. I try. We all try. I dont know what’s wrong with me. Hermit life feels more and more desirable, for everyone’s sake not just mine. Its just better to distance myself i think.

The other side

This post brought to by fluoxetine.

So its now a month or more since i had a mental break and got back on the anti depressant iv had good results from before. And im writing because im in such a good mental place. Im totally getting off on achieving things and doing things.

So ive been playing a lot of Red Dead Redemption 2 online, and in this game its like get a job and work hard. You can get bounty’s or sell animal furs and even run an illegal moonshine operation. And as some solo time whilst having a housemate, this has been my escape. Whilst playing ive started enjoying the feeling of achieving. So, my moonshine operation was upgraded to make better moonshine AND i have space for a band in my bar! Then ive taken that enjoyment and realised that i can just do the same thing in real life. Just a lot slower. So im focusing on the good feelings from working my new gardening company, Rhizobia Gardens, and maintaining my five chickens and the homestead. Even the household tasks like staying on top of the kitchen and washing my (1000 count) bed sheets more often.

Now this is a lot in part because of the prozac im taking, fluoxetine. Which has effectively numbed my emotions to a manageable level. Which means when my housemate does something that aggrivates or upsets me, im able to take a deep breathe, think and realise im over reacting, or that being upset is not going to benefit the situation. Most of the time the best course of action is none because my head is just being dumb.

Its also because im lifting weights almost daily. To the point where today i was planning on fasting and not exercising, ive done two days of physical work so i thought some rest was a good idea. But i still felt the urge and so lifted a few light weights for minimal reps. Really looking forward to riding and running and swimming more when summer truely hits.

This is where im at atm. Feeling positive. Not letting the little things over work me and focusing on being happy internally and externally whilst getting what i want.

Gavin

the same feeling

i just realised this feeling is the same one as when my brain last broke. its psychosis. luckily im aware of it and can see it coming. i was just looking at things that would normally bring me hope or inspiration, or at least a smile. and they did not.

im pretty glad that ive seen it coming and gotten onto my antidepressant and am doing stuff because doing it myself didnt work. it worked in parts and we all continue to evolve and grow etc but fuck… i am struggling.

im very pro cannabis but i can feel that its not helping atm. which further confirms the psychosis i was leaning to, possible confirmation bias of course

depression

i had a bad mental health day yesterday. and ill be honest im scared. it seems im paralysed almost from a fear failure. i also feel incredibly aspergers/autistic. and im 37, what hope do i have.

couldnt finish that. struggling through another dark day. got a drs appointment this arvo as the first step to getting my antidepressant and finding some further help.

im not suicidal, because im in such fear as anxiety atm, but i could do with a coma or something… its hard to fight your brain.

george pell

Im gonna start out by getting personal and maybe awkward straight away. Based on a handful of things, i feel like i may have had a negative sexual experience at a young age. thats all my theory is at this time. One of the things that makes me feel this way is how angry i get when the catholic church continues to run as a disgusting mafia like cult.

Linked is an article from today about george pell is going to fly back to the vatican. So apart from his small stint in a prison here, hes gotten away with it. probably heading back to rome to fuck some more underage boys. If i was ever to become a vigilante. i think id hunt catholic rapist pedophiles.

This is the perfect example of why i dont believe in justice. this man, no hes not a man, this male has ruined countless lives and barely had his inconvenienced and even during an international pandemic, he can fly internationally. that said, its been clearly evident that the upper classes can do whatever they want. we are not in this alone.

Cardinal George Pell to leave Australia for Rome six months after acquittal https://www.sbs.com.au/news/cardinal-george-pell-to-leave-australia-for-rome-six-months-after-acquittal?cid=newsapp:socialshare:copylink

Emotions

“You got me feeling emotions” so said the great philosopher Mariah Carey. If I could, I would add the line “and i dont like it”. Over the last 3 or so years since having a mental break from the end of my longest and most serious relationship, I’ve realised that my emotions dont always give me the best advice when navigating this existence. Its not like I’m flying a plane and have 100’s of dials and instruments telling me information relevant to the current task at hand. Its like I am given a drug to tell me that the rear wing is malfunctioning, but the drug makes me calm and peaceful so i struggle to realise the rear wing is on fire. This morning whilst getting my mind right for the day i had a small break down. Its because I’m hungry, its because I’m sober but its also because i have ridiculously impractical and problematic emotions running through me.

I have a way of trying to understand my attraction to people, you have the head, the heart and the groin. Now this isn’t new and I’m sure others have similar systems or understandings of the way our meat suits work. This is how I’ve worked it out for me. In order to be in romantic life long love with someone, you need to be attracted to them with you head, your heart and your groin. Stimulated intellectually, warmed in the heart and the urge to get inside (or have inside) their meer existence. So your family will most likely only tick the heart box. A one night stand only your groin. And anyone could possibly tick off the head box. So when i meet new people or people I’ve known for years, and i start to feel emotions, i take a deep breathe and focus on where theyre coming from. Do i want to fuck this person? Do i want to ask them personal questions about how they navigate life? Or do i just care about their happiness? Its a good system and i think over the years ill further perfect it.

After acknowledging that my head and heart fell in love recently (I remember at one point acknowledging how i felt nothing in the groin.) i looked forward to being able to be enjoy the immense glow of love without complicating it with sexual animalistic feelings. I genuinely looked forward to being a friend. I had a moment of meditation where i felt and saw in my minds eye, a large yellow and orange glowing orb of light and energy radiating from my chest. I then tried to imagine this energy transferring to my sleeping friend in another room. Imagine my disappointment when i mentioned only the light part and my friend didnt then say she felt the energy transfer. Lols. I dont actually believe in that kind of thing necessarily but it did improve my state and solidified my feelings and emotions. Now the problem is that I’m 3 years into celibacy and as quite a physical person, i love a good cuddle, the fact that my friend may potentially be a good sexual fit for me did enter my mind. But the ratio of my head, heart and groin’s feelings was not altered.

Now. The warring factions in my hypocritical body are the cause of a lot of my stress. At one time as my heart is sharing love and my mind is understanding concepts i wouldnt have thought likely, and then at another time my body is trying to manipulate everything to think that i want to be in another long term relationship. I dont. Or being jealous that others would receive the affections that i dont want. In fact i find interacting with people to be one of the worse things we have to endure. And romantic interactions even worse. I dont want to mess anyone up like i have in the past and I definitely dont want anyone to mess me up again. We dont mean to, but is there any romantic relationship that hasn’t ended negatively?

I remember as a late teen wishing i could cut my dick off because of the negative impact it seemed to have on my mental health. And at 37 i still feel the same. But more so, its the sperm. Not the testosterone or any other “male” hormones, its the baby gravy. Its that urge to reproduce, the animal urge to continue the species. And i dont want it. I am male, i dont have any feelings of confusion with my gender. Just my urge to reproduce. Being in love or letting those lustful urges manipulate your outlook on life or guide your actions never seems to end well. Ive spent years now learning to almost ignore those hormones, so having my strength in that regard tested… its been pretty shit.

Anyway, this has been a good way to get my thoughts out. A sex drive sucks when you dont want it.

G

Have you ever

I just deleted all my social media and I don’t know if I know exactly why. It doesn’t feel like we’re meant to deal with this much emotion. People falling dead , famous and otherwise, police brutality, civilian uprising. But in my little world there’s barely any unhappiness and pain. I feel incredibly lost as I think of my purpose for living, but there’s no reason to die. I am now fully preparing for civil unrest and a government collapse. The good thing is that most of the things one would do for that, are also the kind of homestead small self sufficient farming things I’ve been working towards anyway. Having a secure food supply, generating my own power etc. Plus hopefully with throngs like using solar, i can save some money too.

Is it possible that life was so easy and good for most of humanity, that our natural urge to be concerned about what’s coming over the hill makes us believe that boogie monster must be defeated. So we try to find nefarious intent in things that are just fuck ups.

Workouted pretty much first thing this morning and it felt good. Hopefully ill keep it up, i think, hell i know, it’ll be best for my mental health.

My onion and garlic bed. I went through and pulled all the weeds out and just left em on the beds. The soil seems pretty damn decent, i also spread probably too much chicken poo all over the bed most for the onions. This is my first time growing bot…

My onion and garlic bed. I went through and pulled all the weeds out and just left em on the beds. The soil seems pretty damn decent, i also spread probably too much chicken poo all over the bed most for the onions. This is my first time growing both so i have no idea what I’m doing or what’s going on. Fingers crossed.

Don’t even remember

The last time I posted on here. Classic blog/diary style. But I recently got a new phone and iPad/laptop on contracts, so a fire has been lit under my arse to stop spending, rich given the contracts for two years, and earn more. Working 7 days a week currently. Learning everything I can on how to deal with people and what does and doesn’t work in a cafe/restaurant. Almost got chicken to save money and hoping to grow more food. Getting this site back up and running and effective as well as the other sites I own is an important part of it. Here’s hoping.

BFH005

Unrelated to the attached episode, looking at pictures of the Duke Archipelago, the group of 3 islands in Queensland that are my current Island inspiration, and im very motivated. Who knows how long this motivation will last. Im worried about money because i dont have enough work atm to cover my rent and im not getting off my arse enough to earn money in other avenues... 

I think Ive given up.

Ive spent a lot of my life day dreaming about the future. About how perfect my life will be when i get it all started and im constantly reminded of the phrase "life is what happens when youre making other plans". Trying to get yourself sorted and organised so you can be an adult and then all of a sudden you realise you are an adult.

i think ive given up on all that. Ive accepted that, for me at least, life is just what it is. Trying to be happy, pay bills, go to work. Im still going to hold on to MockIsland in what ever form that may take. But for now ill just take life as it comes. 

A bit defeatist, but hopefully more content. 

Beach Running

I have really taken to early morning workouts on this beach.  

Mills Beach 4/11/2015

Mills Beach 4/11/2015

But today was hard. A short 1k beach run really pushed my calves and even though it was a hard slog including a few walking spots, im reminded of what many athletes say, " consistency, is most important". So even though yesterday i did no athletic pursuits about outside the bedroom, and today i struggled. Tomorrow ill be back, hopefully for a swim. 

Beach Running

I have really taken to early morning workouts on this beach.  

Mills Beach 4/11/2015

Mills Beach 4/11/2015

But today was hard. A short 1k beach run really pushed my calves and even though it was a hard slog including a few walking spots, im reminded of what many athletes say, " consistency, is most important". So even though yesterday i did no athletic pursuits about outside the bedroom, and today i struggled. Tomorrow ill be back, hopefully for a swim. 

Longing for the past and the future.

I remember a phrase, or a concept really, that I've picked up from who knows where that suggests that we remember the past through rose tinted glasses. That we only remember the good times and we then assume the whole time was like that. A good example being a TV show, especially back before binge and repeat watching, you really loved it and it was great but then a few years later you watch it again and don't quite get the same feeling. Thats how our memory works I think. I live in the past, and the future, within my thoughts way too often. I even long for a past that I didn't experience. For instance, I can and sometimes do, piece together a version of mid 90's Melbourne cafe/bar culture that i truly long for. Even though I was stay in my room emotional teenager through the 90's, I have enough media and experiences to think of that time as an ideal moment in history. 

I remember 3 or so years ago I lived in Highett, a suburb not far from where I grew up and a suburb I had and have fond memories of. I moved there with a friend, it was going to be great and then it imploded. Neither of us handled ourselves well and life went on as life does without anyone being able to step back and fix the problems. Eventually I was left paying the rent and maintaining the house by myself. I couldn't afford it but there was a lease so.... I stayed. Whilst living there by myself and at a time with my pet rabbit, i spent a very solo existence. My evenings after work were spent alone, I didn't interact with too many people on the weekends and my romantic life was very casual. A few years earlier whilst my family home was having a few small renovations, I used some off cut wood to make a large wooden table. This thing is beautiful in its ugliness and if I hadn't made it with my own two hands, id probably dislike it as much as my mother does. It makes a great work/shed table with its different colours and rough surfaces. I had this table as my main desk in Highett and it was covered in multiple locations with a mixture of beer bottles, cd's, books, magazines and my laptop. 

I have an incredibly strong memory of being completely content sitting at this desk. Spend a whole day drinking coffee/beer and just wandering around the internet. Life was never and will never be as complete and content as this memory. I probably wasn't then as content as the memory makes me feel. The stresses of living in that house are not banished from my mind, yet when I remember sitting at that desk, I feel like there were no problems in my life, as though i was perfect. 

We don't remember things the way they were, but always through rose tinted glasses.  

My Hair

Roughly 15 years ago I decided that I wanted to shave my head. I mean razor shave it, not just crew cut with clippers. I headed to the bathroom with some scissors and began to chop. Then shaved it. The next day some mates came over, everyone laughed, put towels on my head and yanked my head back as the towel gripped onto my regrowth. After the queens birthday monday I went to school. Tuesday was the first day of three exam days. After a teacher noticing my lack of hair I was called out of line for my first exam and told to head to my year level heads office. Now at my private boys school, i knew that the rules at the time where that no student should have anything less than a No.2 crew cut. I'd asked. So instead of completing my exams for Yr 10, I was suspended. Sent home to start my two weeks of holidays, one week earlier.

Since then I have cut my own hair exclusively. Ive had many different colours, many different lengths and never quite had the same look. Now in my last week of being 30 I'm considering being a grown up and getting a haircut. Short back and sides. Could a hair cut be a life changing event? Could I have been somewhat in a cloud for the last 15 yrs, because of my haircut?

Well see.